security and identity

Ever been in one of those arguements where a person just keeps bringing up stuff you’ve done that has hurt them (and that was never your intention, rather they just need ammo)?  It’s not like it was sin, just that they didn’t like it. Then not only are they flinging mud, but every action you make is taken somehow as a way to put them down.  AND you are not making them feel good about themselves.  After all, it’s your job to make them feel sucessful and secure in who they are right? NO.  I’m seriously tired of immature people expecting the rest of us to make sure they are okay with who they are and feel okay with what they have to offer the world.  It’s exhausting.  Try to respond in love to them and now you are being condescending.  Nothing is good enough because they are not happy and they don’t want you to be either. As a believer, what do you do here?  I mean you can reflect Christ back to them as much as is humanly possible, but only until they realize that all their security and all their identity is in CHRIST… there is really nothing you can do.  Pray.  Respond in love… and keep going. Why oh why do we let people define us?  Let God define you.  Be you.  BE you. YOU are radically loved.  YOU are God’s workmanship. When you start thinking any less, then you start acting in unhealthy ways and expect other people to meet you needs. Here is the truth…. they can’t.  They won’t.  Only HE can. So stop it!  Let the rest of us go free and BE with you!

Does She Know?

Does she know?

Does she know?
Does she know how He loves her?
when she cries,He holds her in His arms
Does she feel it? Does she know?
How when she cries He cries too
Does she know He died to hold her. . .

All alone she stands chin up
and faces the strongest winds
shoulders back she walks ahead
feeling so alone
some days she feels
the heavy weight of her responsibility
and over flowing from her eyes
she ends up on her knees

Oh if she only knew
the depths of love thats true
she would not stand there all alone
and in His arms she’d find her home…

its time to make some choices
she knows she can not walk alone
will she try to understand it
or do it on her own
or will she truly see it
and finally let it go
how far can she push it
DOES SHE KNOW?

Does she know?
Does she know how He loves her?
when she cries,He holds her in His arms
Does she feel it? Does she know?
How when she cries He cries too
Does she know He died to hold her. . .

(I got this sunday morning during Sunday School in about 5 minutes.  I felt like I was unwrapping a gift!)

In the silence…

There is a song called “In the Silence” that I listen to a lot… by Jason Upton.

Tired of telling you, you have me
When I know you really don’t
Tired of telling you I’ll follow
When I know I reallly won’t
Cause I’d rather stand here speechless
With no great words to say
If my silence is more truthful
And my ears can hear how to walk in your way
In the silence
You are speaking
In the quiet I can feel the fire
And it’s burning, burning deeply
Burning all that it is that you desire to be silent, in me
Oh Jesus can you hear me?
My soul is screaming out
And my broken will cries teach me
What your Kingdom’s all about
Unite my heart to fear you,
To fear your holy name
Adn create a life of worship
In the spirit and truth of your loving ways

I know I’ve been silent on here… heck I’ve been silent in my relationships, in my own writing.  I’m doing more reading and sitting than anything.  It’s been a hard shift for me, for any of you that know me in real life, trying to shut me up is like trying to bag leaves in a tornado.  Somehow, though… God is doing it.  And, its burning deeply.

There is so much stirring in me.  I keep seeing the fragmented church and my soul aches.  I see those who once walked together torn apart and I hear my spirit cry out UNITY!  UNITY!  Then I ask myself how do I walk in unity myself when I don’t always agree with how people walk, or the things they tend to chase.  I have a million questions and I’m asking them one by one and getting them answered.

Seriously, I love this season right now.

So if your silent, maybe God is doing something… because from what I’m seeing… so many of my friends are a bit more silent than usual, and it is good!

Go sit in the silence….  its beautiful.

everything or adequate?

The past few months, I feel like I’m going through re/de programming. I remember sitting in Bible school (years ago) and one of my profs telling me that to be a pastor, sometimes that means being everything to someone. Sometimes that means being a pastor to one, a mother/father to another, and a friend/shoulder for another.

I kept thinking, how? I watched so many people I knew and loved go into ministry, and work their tushes off being everything to everyone. I know a few ministers who still try their hardest to be as much to as many as they can. I see them tired and exhausted not only physically, but spiritually. I’ve seen a few of my friends crash and burn. I myself, as much as I hate to admit it, am VERY sensitive at times and found myself getting just worn out after two or three appointments with people. I found myself applying more psychology than Godly wisdom at times and thinking more about situations than praying about them.

So often, students are taught in Bible schools, seminaries, etc. how to “do” ministry. How to “handle” situations. There are countless books on ministering to this person and ministering to that person. There are as many books as there are personalities and a good intentioned pastor could get worn out just trying to keep up.

I kept asking God lately, if I can’t do the stuff for the people (heck I have enough with my own stuff at times) then how in the world am I ever going to be used? Can I even be used? Has my personality flaws disqualified me because I get to the end of my fuse after a person says “yes but” to bibically based solutions after 5 or 6 times? How could I ever walk out when I still have character issues I can’t seem to get a grasp on?

I actually had a friend of a friend say this… be consistently adequate.

I kept thinking, well adequate is a bit UNDER the bar isn’t it? I mean, I’m the type of person who will put 110% in. This is to my downfall at times. I tend to either do something all the way or not at all. If I’m going to fail, I don’t bother. So how do I learn to be consistently adequate? And what does that mean?

It means letting go of the idea that I might have the answer someone needs. The answer is Jesus, and if I’m what they needed, then did they need Christ?

If I am doing things perfectly all the time, when will they see me fail? And when will God be glorified in my weakness?

If I’m to be a minister, it is to Christ first, and that means I’m not the one doing this. I keep doing it on my own, and that is wholly my problem.

So I need to be inadequate at times, but to others I want to be consistently adequate. I want to do what they need, but not so much that they don’t have to run to Christ.

I know a few ministers who are consistently adequate. They don’t answer every question, they don’t hold every hand. They are not everything to everybody, but they DO bring everything to God, and let HIM be everything. I’ve had to learn to be pastored this way. I can’t run to my pastor for everything anymore (as I was taught) because honestly, he won’t tolerate it (that’s a good thing!). By not being everything, he forces me to run to the one that IS.

I want to be what those I reach need, at the same time realizing that they need more than I ever can be. I want to model what it means to follow Christ, at the same time realizing that people will see me fail many times. I want most of all for people to know Christ personally and I realize that what others see in me may be the biggest influence in what they thinks Jesus looks like.

 

I want to be adequate, and not everything.

Sleepless Week of Passion

It seems like for some reason, the day Palm Sunday hits, I can’t sleep.  Until after Easter (and sometimes days after that), my spirit is so wound up that I just have a hard time sleeping. It’s like I’m anticipating what already happened, to happen again.  I put myself in the place of the disciples.

I think about what they must have been seeing.  A few of them knew scripture well, and no doubtedly were rehearsing it in thier minds.  To top it off, Jesus was blatently saying, you have no choice here guys.  I am doing this.  I was born to do this.  I won’t change this and now it is your turn to rock this world.

Then today hits.  See, it is “Maundy Thursday”.  I know most who read this aren’t church historians so I’ll explain.  This is the day that most think the last supper occured.  Due to Jewish ways of keeping time, this was the 3 days prior to the crucifixtion.  Today Jesus would have washed the disciples feet,  in fact in many churches across the world, foot washing ceremonies are done to commemorate this.

Today Judas betrayed Jesus.

Jesus has already been anointed for burial at Bethany.  All the while Judas wishing for his share of the costly ointment instead of wanting to honor Jesus.

Today, Jesus tells Peter of his denial, then weeps bitterly in Gethsemane while His disciples slept instead of being with their Lord.  When the man Jesus needs His friends to watch with Him and pray, they slept and soon after, He was arrested.

I look at this, and I wonder… would I have fallen asleep in the garden?  Would I have been the one to betray Him? Would I have been more interested in getting my part or having my say than to honor HIM?

So many churches putting on massive spectacular shows this weekend.  I have countless friend after friend all over in ministry wearing themselves out to put on such a show…

… when I think, the deepest, most incredible thing we could do is to spend time with Him.  Spend time alone, with your God.  Thanking Him, realizing that you could have been Peter, or Judas, or……..

And being thankful that your not.

Jesus thank you so SO much for coming on this Earth fully knowing before you came what you were going to do.  Knowing that even those who knew you face to face and loved you didn’t have it within themselves to love you the way you deserve.  Knowing that you would have to become sin. Become seperate from your Father, become MY sin so that I could take YOUR rightful place and be able to live forever with you!  So that I could have the priviledge alone of communing and speaking directly to you!  Who am I to even be able to feel your glory?  Thank you for the incredible gift that you gave us.  May my life, and the lives of those that read this, be entirely yours.

May Sunday come, and may we know… that HE IS RISEN SO WE CAN LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Boiling Crabs

I don’t know how many people have experienced boiling crabs in a pot. Thing is, if you have a full pot, you don’t even need a lid. There are two interesting things that happen when you put a bunch of crabs into a pot.

If you put one or two in, they will climb out of the pot, no problem whatsoever, but if you pile it full, they will keep pulling any crab trying to get out of the pot back into it. Ever wonder why you can have bushels of live crabs and they don’t all get away?

 

Another interesting fact that most know, if you put a live crab into a boiling pot, it will hiss and climb out very fast. BUT, if you slowly turn up the heat until boiling, they don’t even notice and happily stay in a pot with no lid, boiling to death.

 

I look around at so many of the people I’ve had to walk away from in the past few months, and the few that I still am in contact with. I realize that I’ve had to put up some major boundaries with most of them recently, and I’ve had to explain my new boundaries to them. I’ve had to patrol my borders with the new people in my life and be very careful who I let in closer. I’m finding that I really can’t let anyone close anymore, I have one friend who I can be pretty open with, but other than that, not so much anymore. Why?

 

Well… I’m still seeing those who call themselves Christians living in ways that are not in line with what Christ desires to see in our lives, and I am at a point in my journey, where I’m deciding to hold myself to a much higher level. A level of holiness that reflects Christ into the world. See, the church has lost sense of the fact that we are to be separate from the world. But we aren’t!

 

We are all piled into a pot, and we call it church. We pull each other back in when one wants to leave because after all they are one of us. Then someone turns up the heat (the world) and we slowly boil together. Sin has infiltrated our churches. Pastors are no longer having people interceed for them and holding them up (I REFUSE to have that in my church! If I’m the ONLY one praying, so be it!). Ministers are falling like flies right now. Do you think this is a coincidence? I know my pastor needs me to hold up his arms sometimes spiritually. Yours does too! They all do! They are MEN! Not some superhuman character that doesn’t have struggles!

 

Then to top it off, we aren’t taught to have strict boundaries as to sin in our lives in church anymore. We drift in and out of the world unseen and unnoticed, except for maybe only the fish on our car people only see when we cut them off in traffic. Why, why WHY do we need this “paraphernalia” and marketed identification when our very lives should cause us to stand out in the world, instead of our WWJD t-shirt? My very actions and spirit should be more apparent than what I’m wearing or what I’ve stuck on my car.

 

Things we are COMMANDED to do, we don’t. We go to the movies the world watches, we watch the TV the world watches, we speak the way they do, we tell the jokes they do, and we see nothing wrong with it! We don’t really love one another. We have people every week lonely and dying in our churches. We see families falling apart. The divorce rate for Christians is just as high as non-Christians.

 

We let anything marketed to us affect our lives and being “relevant” and “hip” and “cool” is more important than being pure. Wearing a pretty shirt and looking good is more important than keeping covered up so your leadership doesn’t have to struggle with lust on top of the other battles they are dealing with. What should be obvious to us as a distraction to holiness isn’t so apparent anymore.

 

What happened to discernment in the church?

 

“And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in knowledge and all discernment, that you may approve the things that are excellent, that you may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ, being filled with the fruits of righteousness which are by Jesus Christ, to the glory and the praise of God. “ Philippians 1:9-11

 

In knowledge and all discernment. That you may approve the things that are excellent (and reject outright those that AREN’T). Without offense (HOLY!). We don’t get that we are SAINTS and we DO have the power over sin! We are taught that it’s okay to be a sinner, after all we all are. We support recovery groups in churches so we have people who suffer with the same sins to waller with.

 

I have an answer for you.

 

STOP!

 

“But it really isn’t that simple, I mean it takes a process…” Um… well YES, it IS that simple… and sometimes it takes a process, but most of the time its purely a struggle between our wills and obedience to what God has told us.

 

Why, why, why are we allowing the church to teach that it is okay to be this way? Why? Do we truly not care about our brothers and sisters? Are we too worried about hurting their feelings?

 

I will tell you the Pastor who has “hurt my feelings” the most is the one I respect and love the most. If he didn’t love me, didn’t speak truth to me, I’d be dead. I’d have died spiritually, and possibly physically.

 

The truth is plainly in the Word. In knowledge (of the Word, His laws and commandments). In discernment (gained only through true intimate relationship with God, and not feel good, I went to church on Sunday so I’m okay theology).

 

Every single sin we tolerate, is adding fuel to the flame. It makes the pot boil faster, and the flames begin to climb and lick the sides of the pot. That movie that just won’t hurt watching, that conversation nobody heard, that snide comment, the talking down about your leadership, the joke you told, the law you broke but didn’t get caught, the attitude you had towards your boss… and the boiling starts….

 

My heart hurts. So many of those I love, subscribing to this. So many lost. So many with a false sense of security, missing out on an abundant life filled with true freedom.

 

So what in your life is turning up the heat slowly? Do you look like the other crabs? Are you stuck in a bushel?

 

God forgive me for allowing these things in my own life. I’ve allowed too much heat near my pot and I ask that you give us the grace to push these things out of our lives, and to draw ourselves close to you so we may know your voice, and gain discernment and holiness. May our lives reflect you in this world.

Love your Enemies…

The Plow posted some controversial posters today….

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. Luke 5:43-44

Can we really?  Was Jesus for real?  Read his post… then talk.

My Son in Ghana

This is Selasie Quarshie. He is 5 and has two other siblings. He absolutely loves soccer, has been studying the bible for 2 years and is very helpful to his mother. He is my Compassion kid, and I hope someday to be able to visit him and love on him in person. I’ve always had a drawing towards Ghana…

His name means Trinity and I believe God has a call on His life that could change the lives of many!!!

Follow a group of 12 at www.compassion.com as they travel Uganda to see the impact sponsors have had.

Go to Carlos’ blog Ragamuffinsoul and see a play by play through video and pictures as he is there!

Los, thanks for the kick in the pants that caused me to sponsor!

Fooling ourselves!

 

I have recently gotten a huge smack across the back of the head. I pray it happens to every person alive as well. It is painful but WOW!

I just got off the phone with someone I care a great deal about, God has asked me to speak life into this person over the past few years, but I got off that phone call today and I heard, “she chose, you can do no more”. My heart just dropped. My spirit is just aching… see, she is believing the lie… and I understand… I did too… so even though I can’t speak into her life anymore, I’m not going to stop praying and believing…because someone has been praying for me, and I’m better today then I was yesterday!

There is this LIE going around…that it is OKAY to look like the world, dabble in their activities, have fun when we feel like it, do what we want, and it is totally okay as long as we don’t SIN. WELL… what many are calling is blatent sin (the big ones, lying, cheating, stealing, fornication… etc). Granted all things unfortunately happening in the church anyways, but these are people who pride themselves on not doing those things. Get it? Thing is, I tried to explain to her (and myself as well!!!) that God is calling us to a HIGHER standard… and its not about what we can and can’t do anymore, about whether or not we have crossed some preconceived line of sin. The thing is, we choose at times to do things that give an appearance of worldliness… even as Christians… I’m not saying we can’t wear the latest styles, or drive nice cars or enjoy some activities the world enjoys… but I’m saying this. We are to avoid the APPEARANCE of evil in our lives. That doesn’t say we are to avoid evil, but the even higher standard of the APPEARANCE of evil. Why?

Well, pure and simple, if we profess to be Christians, people will remember that, and every thing we do will reflect on Christ. I can’t have “SELF” magazine in my bag (not like I read it, this is an example) at work and profess to be one of His in the same sentence, because I am living a life that is non humanistic. Having a magazine like that goes against what I’m stating I’m standing for! I can’t say “I’m a Christian” and walk into a club that serves alcohol and have a good time, as I’m sending mixed signals with the choices in my life. I got the arguement, “well we only drank water and when they started the bad dancing we left.” Um. SO WHAT? Did you know vodka looks like water? Thing is, someone isn’t going to think, oh well, they didn’t drink, and they didn’t dance that one dance. They are going to think… well they say they are a Christian… but I saw them at the club having a good time like everyone else… how are they any different?

You call yourself a Christian, but you look like the world. You have no discerning character traits, your spirit is the same, and you act like them. I’m just as guilty. I’ve been there. I’ve done the line dances, drank my coke and thought myself holier than those around me. I’m not going there anymore.

God is calling us to a radical, sold out, every portion of our lives walk. It hurts. It’s painful. It makes you take jobs you don’t want, do things you don’t want to do, give up things that are your dreams, and wake up every morning killing yourself so HE can live through you. See, two can not exist within the same body or space.

So guys, if I say some things, and it seems a little whack, think about it. Many of you that read this are coming from the same places I’ve been. I bought into the lie “well, I’m better off than them, and I’m covered by grace…” I was a hypocrite. Are you? Be honest (I’m not asking you to raise your hand or comment here…). Can you honestly say your life sticks out from the norm? Or… does your life say, I’ve bought into what the world has?

I’m honestly scared of this journey… I’ve had to walk away from so much and right now I’m standing feeling pretty alone. I’ve lost so many of you as friends because you don’t like what I have to say. I’m not apologizing for that. I love you guys, and I’m going to keep saying it. I stopped speaking what I was hearing years ago… because it was too hard. I forgot what I knew because I turned my back on my Lord. I was my own Lord and confusion set it. I put more stock in the theologies of man than what the Holy Spirit was telling me. No more.

We are fooling ourselves. Single CHRISTIANS…. stop going to the bars! STOP IT!!!!!!!! Stop fooling yourself into thinking that you are going to impact that bar for Christ! That is foolishness! You wallor in crap long enough you are going to get some on you! If you are concerned for a friend at that bar, take them to lunch, be involved in their life a bit, but stop setting yourself up for a fall! Those of you in recovery groups for year 15… ENOUGH ALREADY! Stop walloring in your self pity and do what He is requiring of you… My pastor said something a few weeks ago… you cry “but I have to go back to … (insert addiction here)… because I’m an addict.” NUMBER ONE… stop declaring that over yourself. You WERE an addict. Christ set you FREE. NOW WALK IN IT. You don’t HAVE to go back. I don’t HAVE to go back to where I was… if I do… I make that decision in that moment. Guys, stop fooling yourself.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Christ will give you the strength! Don’t expect him to do it FOR you, rather to walk WITH you and empower you to walk it out.

How many of us look like the world? How many of us are fooling ourselves?

I was. NO MORE!

(for you sensitive types, I apologize if you are offended, but I won’t apologize for my words or my tone… this is what passion sounds like, get used to it please. )_

Selfish me…

If you don’t know who Chris Sligh is, crawl out of your box, and go HERE and listen to his song called Empty Me.

I wrote a poem called Drained a few years ago, comparing myself to a pot, that I needed God to drain, repair, and refill with Himself… this song pretty much encapsulates everything I said. I find myself just crying out wanting Him to empty me, and He is… and it is painful…

I keep stating, that if you ever say the words, “God, shape me, and mold me, and break my will so that I can be used for your glory”, then you better be ready. I wasn’t. I meant those words, and I’m living in the midst of chiseling, crushing, and eye opening humiliation. Welcome to the Kingdom.

What have I seen? Time and time again I’ve been selfish. What I wanted… MY dreams… God’s asked me to walk away from the things I love the most… music, busyness (yes I love being busy), my hang time with my “kids”, 3am coffee at Starbucks (he has let me go once or twice but not like I used to). Not only that, but He is requiring things from me I really don’t want to do. My flesh wants to whine and complain, but I have to force myself to remember that this is NOT ABOUT RONNI.

I almost left my husband a few times over the past few years (how is that for transparency, ugh…). Granted marriage is two ways so no, he is not perfect, but he is MINE. God told me outright the other night that my husband was His gift to ME. By rejecting my husband, and walking away, I’d be rejecting God and what He had for me. So I’d better learn pretty quick to do what I have to, and be the wife I was called to be. I used what I wanted as an excuse to walk away.

I used my call as an excuse to not have to go through some fire and shaping and become. Thing is, if I skip this, I lose the gift God has given me, and I lose the blessings, character shaping, and miss the whole point.

I have this part of me, that is compelled at times, to speak to total strangers about God in the weirdest places… and I’ve felt called for so long to preach and teach. The handful of times I’ve been given that incredible opportunity, the anointing that rested on me is something I’ll never forget. It is totally different than any anointing I’ve ever felt and unless you experience it, you just can’t explain it. I crave that. Problem is… I was trying to make it happen, instead of just serving and letting God open doors. I wanted it in my time, my way, where I wanted to go. I was being selfish. God gave me opportunities to speak in places, but they weren’t where I wanted to be used. Thing is… it isn’t about me.

I missed deep down the biggest thing about ministry (and we are all in ministry even if we don’t have a “position” just by being Christians)… others first in ALL things…

Laying our lives down for others, especially those closest to us. I look back at the past years of my life, and I weep. Selfish me…

Save me from myself God. Show me where I’ve allowed things in to destroy me and my family. Let me know deeply that when I stand in authority, you are standing right behind me and giving me that authority.